so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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