Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
