It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
