So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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