My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
