I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
you had me at cake vodka
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Randomize
