Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
