Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
