i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
