My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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