What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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