if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
