Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
