if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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