i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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