A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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