The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
