nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
