The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
