DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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