i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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