You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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