turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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