If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
