This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
