seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
