Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
And then my night got REAL pukey
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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