He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
