how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
