Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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