I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
