I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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