I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Found your dick twin last night
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
