Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
