Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
