My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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