I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
