why do cheetos always look like penises
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
