I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
