All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
