Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Randomize
