i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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