So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
