I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
My cat gives me a boner
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
