i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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