Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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