I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
