Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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