I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Randomize
