Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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