God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
