Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
she smelled like a LAN party
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
