Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
